Covet Magazine

How To Score With A Punk Chick
By SEETHER & Linda Doval with input from Vanessa Heart

Ok, my young padawan, you have been on a good streak for the past 2 months. In July you used your guile to slay the Goth chick and then in August the Rave chick. Well, she didn’t stand a chance to your stamina and endurance. So now I bet you feel pretty proud of yourself, huh? Well, we have a task that will put you to the test. We are gonna see if you really are what you eat, PUSSY. This will be the test of something that many bois don’t really have when the heat is on. Strength & attitude. Are you the shit? Well, you damn well better be, or you will get your ass kicked buy every Ramones t-shirt wearing chick on this side of the Mississippi.

We are gonna handle this “how to” a little different this month. Reason being, I’m worried. Fucking this up, can result in you, not only getting roughed up by a few punk bitches, but by their male friends as well. Ever had the shit kicked out of you by combats? Let's try not to let it happen here.

In scoring with a punk chick, there are really only four major points that need to be recognized in order to pursue and ensnare this elusively frightening beast. These are hair, attire, tattoos/piercings, and fronting a punk band.

Hair
Your normal raggedy gen-x hairdo will simply not cut it with these girls. This part of the transformation is probably the easiest and least expensive. So, in other words, there should be no reason to FUCK IT UP! As long as you keep in mind that the quality and quantity, of punk pussy you attract by neglecting these steps, is far below the par, and standard of what you would receive should you go all the way. Ok. Borrow the keys to Mommy's car and head out to your local Sally's Beauty Supply. Your shopping list is short and sweet:

1. powdered peroxide bleach
2. developer solution (I feel the liquid far exceeds the cream consistency but that will be up to you)
3. latex gloves (unless you think you are gangster. But hey, MEN don’t need any stinking gloves. So save the gloves for your next fisting session. LOL. No dude, don’t be stupid, use the gloves.)
4. your choice of retina burning semi-permanent hair color.

The most popular, and easiest to find, brand is Manic Panic. Make sure you NEVER admit to using that label name. Punks are anti-establishment and it would make you look cheesy to admit to utilizing such a popular name. So if you are asked, simply spit on the floor and say you used Kool-Aid, then quickly changing the subject or tell them to piss off. If you've never bleached or colored your hair before you may need to enlist the help of your gay goth guy pal (admit it, we ALL have one hiding somewhere). It's pretty much guaranteed that he'll do the best job and it will keep you from having to resort to the high prices of a hair salon. IF YOU GO TO A SALON FOR THIS SHIT YOU ARE A PUSSY AND DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR BALLS KICKED IN BY A SKIN HEAD NAZI.

Attire
So your do is now done..what is next? Fool your gear is next. This is where you are gonna have to show personality, and style. Make it complex, but do it simple. Meaning, you can have 10,000 safety pins on your shirt, in a funky pattern that looks like the pope with a gunshot wound the head, but it is still simple because after all it is just safety pins. Nothing pissed punks off more than some fuck coming up on the set wearing prada and shit and then think they are punk because their hair is blue. Also, if you see someone else do it, don’t you do it. Actually, even if you like what they do you should turn your nose up at it and pop a lot of shit about them while taking your style a step further. I know you spent a ton of money on those neon yellow balloon pants for last month's rave party, but that is now in the past. Save it for the “Where Are They Now” “How To Score” episode. The easiest route to take is right back to the mecca of all things "alternative", Hot Topic. Once you have arrived to the store and have said hello to all the people that work there (they MUST know you on a first name basis by now) head over to the punk section. Pull out your lighter and light that bitch on fire. Scream you are doing this for John Lennon and because you hate the system. Walk out, but be sure not to let the whole store burn, you need them for next month's conquest. Head your ass to the Salvation Army, or any thrift shop, it is time to dig.

The one piece of must-have clothing is the mid-shin length plaid pants with zippers, and safety pins, strewn all over the place. Oh, and straps. It's got to have lots of straps. Next, you'll need a hella grungy 80's-era Ramones shirt or some old ass looking high school gym t-shirt. These can be found at any local thrift store and will usually only set you back a few cents. If you are too lazy to make the added trip, or your Mom needs the car back, just go through your closet and look for a basic t-shirt. You really can't fuck that one up. One suggestion though, put a casual tear someplace visible and say it got torn while in a fight, or during fisticuffs with the police (punk chicks LOVE the rebel). Actually, for effect take a bold face marker and write "Piss Off!" on your left shoulder. You need that for later.

What next...hmmm. Oh yeah, footwear. There's only one kind of shoes to purchase when courting the lovely punk ladies and those are Doc Martins. You're gonna need the real thing here so you may have to special order off the internet and wait a few weeks if there isn't a store in your area that carry them.

Once you've got you're ensemble together all you have left to do is accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. All you need are some safety pins clipped randomly to your clothing, a piece of chain around your neck held together with a lock, and perhaps some rings.

TATTOOS/PIERCINGS
Getting inked is not something I recommend doing solely for the purpose of punk poontang but is a definite plus if you already are marked. Piercings, well, they're not permanent so go ahead and put all the holes your face has room for. I think the punk girl is attracted to these things, not because of the shiny or colorful outward appearance, but because they are symbols of virility and stamina. To have more tattoos and piercings than the other guy demonstrates your status as the Alpha Male. You are stronger, braver, and more capable of fending off the attacks of rivals. Unlike the goth chick who embraces a man in a skirt and enjoys sharing make up, punk girls want a more traditionally masculine male. Tattoos, or piercings, are a way to outwardly demonstrate those virile and animalistic qualities. So as a punk guy you can still wear a skirt, but you better have on steel toe boots, a leather jacket, and show her that you are willing to dig boogers out of your nose early on. 		Punk Band
All right, you've made it this far, and you look FABULOUS! But your transformation is not complete without actually becoming the ULTIMATE in being a punk twat magnet. If you haven't guessed yet we're talking about fronting a punk band. Now if you already have any musical ability, ignore it. Being in a punk band is about attitude and NOT about talent. As long as you can play a power chord on your electric guitar then you are halfway there. Scream some "I-hate-society" lyrics at the top of your lungs over a 4-chord progression while some half deaf Neanderthal beats the shit out of a drum set. Then have your bass player mimic your sad little excuse for a guitar riff. Put on your best angry scowl, spit massive loogies in between verses, and just watch as the ladies flock to you. No one can resist the bad ass lead singer in a punk band. It's guaranteed to weaken even the hardest most resistant rebel girl facade. Now, I’m sure you might want to go the extra mile and spit on people, or maybe even piss on them. DON’T. That’ll get you fucked up.

Ok dude, now you are all done up. I’ll leave it up to you to decide if you are gonna be clean punk boys with mohawks, or glam rockers with eyeliner. But no matter what you decide, you are gonna have to be able to stand up to chicks and tell then to fuck off every once in a while. But with the words 'fuck off' written on your shirt, that should let them know the deal, as long as you have the 'tude to go with them.

So, now you have had several crappy jam sessions with your semi-crappy band, and now you are off to the local dive to go test your shit. While on stage you should be scanning the set for your target. Who gives a fuck if you are maintaining your cool on stage, and really performing well. If all else fails, simply take of your shirt and show your nipple ring. Then, scream like hell, at the top of your lungs. Let’s leave the leather jacket on. That shit looks cool and chicks dig a bare chest behind an open leather jacket. So you found the snatch of your choice, AWESOME. What you do now is sing to her and her alone. I don’t give a shit if she is even in the back of the club you better keep eye contact with her. You can try calling out to her, or some cool shit like stage diving, but you are still a newbie so I would warn against such dumb shit. But as always if you are feeling froggy then JUMP!

So your set on stage is over and now you need to prove yourself. As you finish the last riff of your song, scream out “Fuck the man!” to the heavens and walk off stage. Yes simply walk off the stage, just like that. Leave your band there on stage like they don’t matter, because they don’t. You won’t need their asses next month anyway. So now you are a serious babe magnet. You should have every panty in the house moist from your performance, but dude, don’t let that shit bother you as you zoom in on your target. Just march through the crowd of women unaware that they even exist. If you perform your, “I’m walking in slow motion, like in the movies walk” correctly, you should be able to smell the scent of several pussies in the air. As you close in, I want to set the mood for you. I’m gonna quote a line from one of my favorite movies “Swingers.”

“You are a bear dude. A big bad bear these big teeth man, and Claws yes, claws. And she is like a little bunny rabbit. And she wants to be taken buy this big bear.” Or something like that.

I was told by a beauty that if I wanted to score with a punk chick I would have to buy her a shot of tequila and a line of coke. Uh YUM!. But that is for me, can you handle that? Well, if not you better fake it well, because you now have to show that you can drink a hole into this chicks head. So tell the barkeep to keep them coming. As you take shots be sure to look cool. This is tequila, so I know it is kicking your ass. And, you know that I know, but you have to find a way to make sure she doesn’t. The best way to accomplish that is to not use a chaser. Great feel the burn baby. But you can’t just hold it in, because she will know that you are trying too hard, so fuck it, let our a nice manly snarl, or a ARRRHHH, out after each shot. That’ll show her that you are ready for battle. HHMMM... I almost forgot about the battle.

So now you two are almost drunk as a skunk, and you feel like you can handle anything, heh. Glad that you do, because I took the liberty of planning a little something. Nothing too big though. I told the little geek in the corner that you said that he is some Hot Topic bitch boi, and that if you weren’t so busy fucking his MOMMA, you would kick his ass. So the good news is that even you should be able to kick his ass in no time, but the bad news is that he knows that. OOPPS, even I didn’t factor in the fact that the dude may have friends (what? he looked like he was an Atari t-shirt away from a pocket protector). So instead of the nerd approaching you, he asked his big rough and tough looking friend to handle you. Well this is doable my friend. Yes he is 6’6”. And sure he is 225, and he has spiked forearm and shin gaurds. But never mind that, you are my young padawan. You’ve slayed the goth beast, you can do this. So here we go. When he reaches you and makes his “I’m gonna kick your ass” declaration, simply take another swig of the tequila (might as well) and say to him in your best Australian accent “Piss off you bloody wanker!” Chicks dig accents. Now he is ready to pounce. But in a punk fight you must always score the first blow. Never mind the fact that it can give you the edge, it gives to the attention of the crowd, and now you are the shit. So go for it, but do not, I repeat, do not go for the kick in the nuts from the start. That is so predictable. Damn, you did go for it, and he blocked it, quick hit him now! Great you scored the first shot. It was a pussy shot but it is yours to claim, now you are on your own here. (insert beat down scene here)

Ok, you got through that. Luckily for you things worked out how I planned. I told your band prior to the beginning of the night that they need to have your back. So as the attacked you, your band members rushed in and you all proceeded to kick the shit out of Mr. Big Stuff. So, now you've kicked ass, and scored major Kool-aid points. You showed not only can you fuck shit up, but that you have heart and a posse to back it up. Hell, even I’m a fan of yours now. I know that you are tired, and that is ok, because scoring with this girl will be easy. Actually, it always has been, as long as you could run the gauntlet. Now that you have, simply grab her hand and lead her to the bathroom. Remember, you are now the shizzy fo' rizzy, so you can tell people in the bathroom to get the fuck out, and they will respect it. Go ahead and have fun, my young one. Do things to her that will make a dog puke, and I’m sure she will do the same. The great thing is that neither of you will remember it tomorrow.

Next month we are going for the Dead Girl.

SEETHER and Covet are not to be held responsible for any ass kickings, ball bustings, unexpected pregnancies, STD's, and/or any other bullshit your dumb ass may incur because you couldn't get your own pussy.

 

Oh... note from me... Vanessa... this is not a article on how to score with me... these tactics probably won't work.